How To Get The Worst Night’s Sleep

Move your spin class to 7 p.m. or later. If you can get the class to be held IN your bedroom, that’s even better. You want to be sure to hit the sheets with your heart rate nice and elevated.

But before that, go ahead and hit a couple of Red Bull vodkas.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – “But Lauren, why on earth wouldn’t I have my cocktails pre-workout like normal?!” Well, friends, we’re looking to get a really bad night’s sleep if you remember, so trust me on this.

The alcohol might get you to sleep, but fear not. It will wear off and you’ll be up shortly after. The caffeine from the Red Bull will have your blood pressure so high you won’t be able to even shut your eyes. (Unrelated: keep your Medical Alert necklace close.)

Also, it’s crucial for you to read on your tablet or phone in order to stave off sleep for as long as possible. You want that backlit blue light to penetrate your brain, signaling that we’re pulling an all-nighter.

And for the love of Billy Mays, leave the TV on! You’re counting on the frequency changes in television shows and commercials to keep your brain mildly entertained. Where your attention goes is up to Law & Order. All we care is that it doesn’t go to sleep!

Now look at your clock every 40 minutes, do the work-on-no-sleep math and start your mind-blowingly bad day!

No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

**Happy April Fools’ Day! Obviously, this is not serious advice. For actual advice on how to sleep well, check out our other posts.